Feeling Better - Not

So, it's been a few days. Couldn't be helped. I've been  under the weather with this nasty hsit that's been going around. It was my New Year's present. It's been hanging on for over a week now. I spent two days of my off time wallowing in misery. Yesterday was spent at the library. I love books.

Zach has been unbearable these last few days. Acting like his old ungrateful self. Crystal isn't openly aggressive but she has that passive thing down pat. I said something off the cuff about the kitchen and she piped up with, "I haven't eaten anything out of there for three days, so...". Ugh, these dirty ass dishes have been here over a week and I damned sure haven't had anything to eat. I don't say anything out loud cuz it wouldn't do any good. No one listens. They only argue defense or blame. No one takes responsibility. I just avoid unnescessary conflict.

I want them out of here so I can have my tranquil space back. I dread when they leave though cuz I'll have to wash and clean the whole place from the ceiling downto the floors and everything in between. I don't look forward to it but I'm already devising a game plan.

It dawned on me yesterday that I have lived in one room for the last three years of my life to avoid trash, clutter and confrontation. I need a break.

So, did I tell you, Lyn is gone from Texaco 26. Oh, yeah, that's right, GONE. Tammy blindsided her after her shift on Sunday with the news. She has been sent back to the Menge store. They're going to chew her up and spit her out. She's going to bad mouth me and Leslie. I keep telling myself not to care. She isn't worth my energy and the people who will listen to her aren't either.

 That's always been my problem; worrying about what people think of me. Trying to measure up to someone else's standards. People I don't even know. Now that's crazy. Tearing myself up inside because I couldn't please everyone. That shit's gotta stop. I need to start practicing positive affirmations and stop second guessing myself. I come across as the most confident of people but the truth is my self esteem is very low. This is because I do not judge myself by the same standards I use for everyone else but by much higher ones, too high, impossibly high. I must stop judging myself through the skewed vision of others and begin to see and value myself as the Goddess sees me.