I am so technically challenged. Sure hope the buttons I pushed didn't upload my posts to FB cuz I don't really want most of my friends and family to read my innermost thoughts. Oh, well, trust in the Universe, I suppose.
I am so looking forward to Springtime. Wish I had a little greenhouse to get things started. I get so much enjoyment from my little garden. It's the main reason I don't want to move.
I do, however, want the kids to move out. It's not that I don't love them; I just need my own space back. I feel lost and out of sorts. I have no privacy, no peace. It is no longer my home, my refuge. I feel as if I've been placed on hold and forgotten. I have no authority. Everything is just nasty and disorganized. It will take weeks to clean and repair.
Thinking I need to recast protection spells around the house, but I want to wait til they move out and do a thorough saging. Lots of negative energy built up within these walls. Full moon Friday night, wish I could be off work and do a little magic.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
She's back...
Sara is back at Texaco. Hurray! Maybe now we can leave the drama behind and get on with it like normal people. It was a rough start, however. I don't get to bed til sometime around midnight and in the wee hours of Saturday morning my phone wrenches me from a deep sleep. It's Sara calling because the register will not turn on. I'm like, well, it was working when I left. I don't know what to tell you. Turns out I was her first phone call. I'm just a lowly cashier.
I finally get back to sleep and have this strange dream. Stranger still is that I even remember the dream. Taking this sleep medication I never remember dreams. I dreamt that I was at work and the register and credit card machines were out. I was trying t o figure out how to get the extension cord out so I could move the calculator to the front counter. Then I was trying to write down everything I sold with the price. I figured out that I only needed to write the actually item down if it was beer or oil. Now the dream itself is nothing odd or exciting; that comes much later.
I have never had a prophetic dream in my life til now. When I finally make it into work Leslie and Sara are there, along with a technician. All the electronics are down including gas because the register keys the gas pump. So, we're all joking around and I'm hugging Sara, welcoming her back. They're telling me about the crazy morning and I start to tell them about this dream. They both start laughing. I can't get behind the counter because there's no room so, I'm standing at the end of the counter and my view is blocked by a candy rack. I ask what's so funny and they both point down to the counter. I step around the rack and there is the calculator and two pieces of paper, one labeled grocery, the other beer where she had been recording her sales. Whoa! Now that's fucked up. Actually, it was exciting. It was cool. I hope it happens again.
But, back to Sara. I really am quite delighted she's back. I know she's not all that organized and all but I also know she won't let Leslie get the best of her. She'll put her in her place. That can only be an improvement. The old energy back, the lighthearted, joking, just enjoying life kind of atmosphere.
None too pleased with our President, Mr. Obama. Seems his plan to up the taxes on the most wealthy isn't working out quite like one might expect. Opened my pay stub to discover more taxes being withheld. So, now I'm clearing less than $300 a week. Took me for an additional $8 bucks or so. Doesn't sound like much but, that's $8 more than I can afford. Hell, I barely get by as it is.
I consider myself patriotic in that I love this country and what it was founded on. I despise, even hate our government. We, as a people, have become so apathetic that we have ceded our rights and freedoms to the government who consider us ignorant. It's a systematic dumbing-down. We are heading for a Socialist Republic where we are completely dependent upon the government.
I finally get back to sleep and have this strange dream. Stranger still is that I even remember the dream. Taking this sleep medication I never remember dreams. I dreamt that I was at work and the register and credit card machines were out. I was trying t o figure out how to get the extension cord out so I could move the calculator to the front counter. Then I was trying to write down everything I sold with the price. I figured out that I only needed to write the actually item down if it was beer or oil. Now the dream itself is nothing odd or exciting; that comes much later.
I have never had a prophetic dream in my life til now. When I finally make it into work Leslie and Sara are there, along with a technician. All the electronics are down including gas because the register keys the gas pump. So, we're all joking around and I'm hugging Sara, welcoming her back. They're telling me about the crazy morning and I start to tell them about this dream. They both start laughing. I can't get behind the counter because there's no room so, I'm standing at the end of the counter and my view is blocked by a candy rack. I ask what's so funny and they both point down to the counter. I step around the rack and there is the calculator and two pieces of paper, one labeled grocery, the other beer where she had been recording her sales. Whoa! Now that's fucked up. Actually, it was exciting. It was cool. I hope it happens again.
But, back to Sara. I really am quite delighted she's back. I know she's not all that organized and all but I also know she won't let Leslie get the best of her. She'll put her in her place. That can only be an improvement. The old energy back, the lighthearted, joking, just enjoying life kind of atmosphere.
None too pleased with our President, Mr. Obama. Seems his plan to up the taxes on the most wealthy isn't working out quite like one might expect. Opened my pay stub to discover more taxes being withheld. So, now I'm clearing less than $300 a week. Took me for an additional $8 bucks or so. Doesn't sound like much but, that's $8 more than I can afford. Hell, I barely get by as it is.
I consider myself patriotic in that I love this country and what it was founded on. I despise, even hate our government. We, as a people, have become so apathetic that we have ceded our rights and freedoms to the government who consider us ignorant. It's a systematic dumbing-down. We are heading for a Socialist Republic where we are completely dependent upon the government.
Poor eating habits
Just like trying to diet, you slip up and over-indulge. That doesn't mean you've failed, it just means you put it behind you and continue to move forward. Every moment is a new beginning. Well, it's the same with this blogging diary. Seems I've missed quite a few days in posting, but I haven't failed and I'm moving forward.
So, Sara is back at the Texaco and I am delighted. She doesn't stock the cooler, but the positive energy she brings makes up for that. At least for now anyway. I've gotten to visit with Laura a couple of times, briefly and I really enjoy that.
I got so mad the other night; no one came to pick me up, no one answered the phone and it was freezing cold. If it hadn't been so cold I would have sat right down on the side of the road and wept in self pity. I finally get home and no one is there. The door is locked and I have no key. I checked twice, actually. I tried Zach's number once more and he answered. Said they'd been stuck in the mud. I didn't want to hear his excuses, I wanted an apology, a sincere one, but none was forthcoming. Here I am now with both dogs barking up a storm while I endeavor to crawl through my bedroom window without breaking anything, including myself. Dogs dancing a jig to get outside and relieve themselves and poor King has a prolonged episode of diarhea.
I finally get myself and the crap I toted home inside and up pulls the ungrateful ones. Still no apology just laughter and attempts of telling the story. I wanted no part of it. I went to my room and slammed the door. Zach hollers at me to asks if I want something to eat. I haven't eaten anything all day and I'm starving s I swallow my righteous indignation and venture out. When I go into the kitchen, I see no food and ask what there is. He makes some smart assed reply about my attitude and tells me I can fix my own food. I return to my sanctuary and, again, slam the door. Went to bed hungry. Whose fault was that? Righteous indignation makes for a poor diet.
What is it about me that, regardless of past and proven behaviour, I continue to believe a leopard can and will change its spots simply by virtue of my love and forgiveness? I think, perhaps, since I live my life constantly in an effort to improve, that I assume others are doing so, too. The concept of merely wallowing in an apathetic, stagnant mind set is so totally foreign to me. I understand that change can be frightful, but there can be no growth without change. Who doesn't want to grow? Well, my son and his wife for two. Just can't wrap my mind around that.
Worked in my garden yesterday. The weather finally cooperated and it was lovely. Cleaned out all the old dead stuff and readiness for Persephones return. Oh, Goddess, how wonderful to get my hands in the dirt. The winter has been off and on in brief moments this year. I was amazed to find so many annuals still in growth. Winter is not yet over so, I may yet lose them, but what a delightful surprise. My garden faeries work so very diligently for me.
Going to spend some time with my dearest friend today. It's the highlight of my week. With her crazy work hours we haven't been able to just sit, relax and converse intelectually like we used to, but I enjoy her company so, I'll take whatever time she has for me.
I miss getting together with friends and discussing, debating ideas, concepts, beliefs. I hunger for cerebral conversation.
Today, I am grateful for dirt. I come into my element when my hands are in the soil. I become co-creator with the Universe. My spirit is tranquil and everything is right in my world at that moment. So, I honor our great Mother Earth today. I wish her health and abundance; the gifts she returns to me each day.
Blessed be...
So, Sara is back at the Texaco and I am delighted. She doesn't stock the cooler, but the positive energy she brings makes up for that. At least for now anyway. I've gotten to visit with Laura a couple of times, briefly and I really enjoy that.
I got so mad the other night; no one came to pick me up, no one answered the phone and it was freezing cold. If it hadn't been so cold I would have sat right down on the side of the road and wept in self pity. I finally get home and no one is there. The door is locked and I have no key. I checked twice, actually. I tried Zach's number once more and he answered. Said they'd been stuck in the mud. I didn't want to hear his excuses, I wanted an apology, a sincere one, but none was forthcoming. Here I am now with both dogs barking up a storm while I endeavor to crawl through my bedroom window without breaking anything, including myself. Dogs dancing a jig to get outside and relieve themselves and poor King has a prolonged episode of diarhea.
I finally get myself and the crap I toted home inside and up pulls the ungrateful ones. Still no apology just laughter and attempts of telling the story. I wanted no part of it. I went to my room and slammed the door. Zach hollers at me to asks if I want something to eat. I haven't eaten anything all day and I'm starving s I swallow my righteous indignation and venture out. When I go into the kitchen, I see no food and ask what there is. He makes some smart assed reply about my attitude and tells me I can fix my own food. I return to my sanctuary and, again, slam the door. Went to bed hungry. Whose fault was that? Righteous indignation makes for a poor diet.
What is it about me that, regardless of past and proven behaviour, I continue to believe a leopard can and will change its spots simply by virtue of my love and forgiveness? I think, perhaps, since I live my life constantly in an effort to improve, that I assume others are doing so, too. The concept of merely wallowing in an apathetic, stagnant mind set is so totally foreign to me. I understand that change can be frightful, but there can be no growth without change. Who doesn't want to grow? Well, my son and his wife for two. Just can't wrap my mind around that.
Worked in my garden yesterday. The weather finally cooperated and it was lovely. Cleaned out all the old dead stuff and readiness for Persephones return. Oh, Goddess, how wonderful to get my hands in the dirt. The winter has been off and on in brief moments this year. I was amazed to find so many annuals still in growth. Winter is not yet over so, I may yet lose them, but what a delightful surprise. My garden faeries work so very diligently for me.
Going to spend some time with my dearest friend today. It's the highlight of my week. With her crazy work hours we haven't been able to just sit, relax and converse intelectually like we used to, but I enjoy her company so, I'll take whatever time she has for me.
I miss getting together with friends and discussing, debating ideas, concepts, beliefs. I hunger for cerebral conversation.
Today, I am grateful for dirt. I come into my element when my hands are in the soil. I become co-creator with the Universe. My spirit is tranquil and everything is right in my world at that moment. So, I honor our great Mother Earth today. I wish her health and abundance; the gifts she returns to me each day.
Blessed be...
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Feeling Better - Not
So, it's been a few days. Couldn't be helped. I've been under the weather with this nasty hsit that's been going around. It was my New Year's present. It's been hanging on for over a week now. I spent two days of my off time wallowing in misery. Yesterday was spent at the library. I love books.
Zach has been unbearable these last few days. Acting like his old ungrateful self. Crystal isn't openly aggressive but she has that passive thing down pat. I said something off the cuff about the kitchen and she piped up with, "I haven't eaten anything out of there for three days, so...". Ugh, these dirty ass dishes have been here over a week and I damned sure haven't had anything to eat. I don't say anything out loud cuz it wouldn't do any good. No one listens. They only argue defense or blame. No one takes responsibility. I just avoid unnescessary conflict.
I want them out of here so I can have my tranquil space back. I dread when they leave though cuz I'll have to wash and clean the whole place from the ceiling downto the floors and everything in between. I don't look forward to it but I'm already devising a game plan.
It dawned on me yesterday that I have lived in one room for the last three years of my life to avoid trash, clutter and confrontation. I need a break.
So, did I tell you, Lyn is gone from Texaco 26. Oh, yeah, that's right, GONE. Tammy blindsided her after her shift on Sunday with the news. She has been sent back to the Menge store. They're going to chew her up and spit her out. She's going to bad mouth me and Leslie. I keep telling myself not to care. She isn't worth my energy and the people who will listen to her aren't either.
That's always been my problem; worrying about what people think of me. Trying to measure up to someone else's standards. People I don't even know. Now that's crazy. Tearing myself up inside because I couldn't please everyone. That shit's gotta stop. I need to start practicing positive affirmations and stop second guessing myself. I come across as the most confident of people but the truth is my self esteem is very low. This is because I do not judge myself by the same standards I use for everyone else but by much higher ones, too high, impossibly high. I must stop judging myself through the skewed vision of others and begin to see and value myself as the Goddess sees me.
Zach has been unbearable these last few days. Acting like his old ungrateful self. Crystal isn't openly aggressive but she has that passive thing down pat. I said something off the cuff about the kitchen and she piped up with, "I haven't eaten anything out of there for three days, so...". Ugh, these dirty ass dishes have been here over a week and I damned sure haven't had anything to eat. I don't say anything out loud cuz it wouldn't do any good. No one listens. They only argue defense or blame. No one takes responsibility. I just avoid unnescessary conflict.
I want them out of here so I can have my tranquil space back. I dread when they leave though cuz I'll have to wash and clean the whole place from the ceiling downto the floors and everything in between. I don't look forward to it but I'm already devising a game plan.
It dawned on me yesterday that I have lived in one room for the last three years of my life to avoid trash, clutter and confrontation. I need a break.
So, did I tell you, Lyn is gone from Texaco 26. Oh, yeah, that's right, GONE. Tammy blindsided her after her shift on Sunday with the news. She has been sent back to the Menge store. They're going to chew her up and spit her out. She's going to bad mouth me and Leslie. I keep telling myself not to care. She isn't worth my energy and the people who will listen to her aren't either.
That's always been my problem; worrying about what people think of me. Trying to measure up to someone else's standards. People I don't even know. Now that's crazy. Tearing myself up inside because I couldn't please everyone. That shit's gotta stop. I need to start practicing positive affirmations and stop second guessing myself. I come across as the most confident of people but the truth is my self esteem is very low. This is because I do not judge myself by the same standards I use for everyone else but by much higher ones, too high, impossibly high. I must stop judging myself through the skewed vision of others and begin to see and value myself as the Goddess sees me.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Just another day
Well, the head cold does not appear to be abating. Why is it when they come out with an OTC medicine that actually works, they turn right around and take it off the market?? It's a conspiracy, I tell you.
Leslie has discussed the problems I'm having with Lyn with both Theresa and Tammy. Tammy called Leslie for the assistant manager hours and no explanation. One can only assume she is offering the position to someone else and will be transferring Lyn to another store. Leslie mentioned last week that Sarah may be tapped for the position. I would adore having her sparkling energy back again and she's one who will brook no crap from Leslie. It would be a win/win.
Don't really have much to say but, I am determined to stick with this journaling project as well as daily meditation. On the note I will conclude in order to fulfill that obligation.
Til next we meet, may the goddess guide my thoughts, words and deeds to bring honor to her and in so doing, honor to myself.
Leslie has discussed the problems I'm having with Lyn with both Theresa and Tammy. Tammy called Leslie for the assistant manager hours and no explanation. One can only assume she is offering the position to someone else and will be transferring Lyn to another store. Leslie mentioned last week that Sarah may be tapped for the position. I would adore having her sparkling energy back again and she's one who will brook no crap from Leslie. It would be a win/win.
Don't really have much to say but, I am determined to stick with this journaling project as well as daily meditation. On the note I will conclude in order to fulfill that obligation.
Til next we meet, may the goddess guide my thoughts, words and deeds to bring honor to her and in so doing, honor to myself.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Back to work
So, we were supposed to have an employee meeting Saturday, but now the meeting is off. Leslie spoke to Theresa and evidently she nixed the meeting. These people; I just don't get it. We could have gotten it all out in the open and started fresh. Burns Oil is a Peyton Place. They thrive on drama.
Spent the entire day in my room yesterday wallowing around my bed. I've apparently got a lovely case of head cold. Just hope it doesn't drop into my chest. Laureli gave me some Chinese medicine to help combat it.
You know, I am so lucky to have Kristi and Laureli in my life. It is my hope to expand my circle of friends this year. Sure would be easier if I had reliable transportation. I have presented the problem to the gods and I trust they will provide at the appropriate time.
Spent the entire day in my room yesterday wallowing around my bed. I've apparently got a lovely case of head cold. Just hope it doesn't drop into my chest. Laureli gave me some Chinese medicine to help combat it.
You know, I am so lucky to have Kristi and Laureli in my life. It is my hope to expand my circle of friends this year. Sure would be easier if I had reliable transportation. I have presented the problem to the gods and I trust they will provide at the appropriate time.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Texaco 2013
If I started back at the beginning it would take forever and the complaints would still be the same. I think that might be one of the reasons I falter everytime I try to start a journal. This time I'm just gonna start where I am now.
I grow weary of trying to be the nice guy all the time. My self righteous anger and wallowing "woe is me" attitude with regards to work has not improved my position or disposition. I have decided to take back the power. I will continue to do the job I was hired to do to the very best of my ability and if I choose to go the extra mile then I have no right to harbor resentment toward others for not recognizing it or showing appreciation.
I pitched a hissy fit the other day because I am fed up with Lyn and her high and mighty know it all attitude coupled with her refusal to do even the most basic requirements. She is so full of herself and her toilet fetish is getting old quickly. Leslie has scheduled a store meeting for next Saturday. I hate having a whole week to stew in my juices, work with Lyn in the interim and keep the anxiety levels to a minimum.
I have got to stand up for myself and stop being a doormat. Being reasonable and loving does not mean I have to take abuse. I guess, if I'm totally honest, the anxiety comes from the fact that I, too, entered into the gossip and fed the animosity. Neither of these women are trustworthy.
Hopefully I will find guidance through meditation.
L
I grow weary of trying to be the nice guy all the time. My self righteous anger and wallowing "woe is me" attitude with regards to work has not improved my position or disposition. I have decided to take back the power. I will continue to do the job I was hired to do to the very best of my ability and if I choose to go the extra mile then I have no right to harbor resentment toward others for not recognizing it or showing appreciation.
I pitched a hissy fit the other day because I am fed up with Lyn and her high and mighty know it all attitude coupled with her refusal to do even the most basic requirements. She is so full of herself and her toilet fetish is getting old quickly. Leslie has scheduled a store meeting for next Saturday. I hate having a whole week to stew in my juices, work with Lyn in the interim and keep the anxiety levels to a minimum.
I have got to stand up for myself and stop being a doormat. Being reasonable and loving does not mean I have to take abuse. I guess, if I'm totally honest, the anxiety comes from the fact that I, too, entered into the gossip and fed the animosity. Neither of these women are trustworthy.
Hopefully I will find guidance through meditation.
L
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